Off Day

Today was an off day.  You know the days.  You’ve worked for about 2 or more days, and your first day off, is an OFF day, you don’t do much, you slunk around the house, and MAYBE get something done.

I did get something done today: Laundry.  Ran out of black socks, and my blacks needed some cleaning anyway.  I wasn’t expecting anything in the mail quite yet, tomorrow, maybe, but not today, but we’ll get there.

I also did two meditations.  The first one, felt more substantial to me, than the second.  The second re-enforced the first, but the first, I felt.  I’m not sure what changed between last week’s start with the meditations and this week.  I’m thinking it has to do with some internal revelations, and the willingness to change.

The two meditations I’ve been working with are Faith and Prayer.  Both of them help me work on the negative thoughts and self doubts I have about myself and my business.  Last week when I started them, I felt sad, because I didn’t feel worthy of the love that I was feeling from the meditations, I didn’t feel that I belonged in the meditations, but  I knew I needed it.   So that got me thinking on WHY?  I was thinking that.

After the last training I had attended in person, and this last weekend’s training I attended via webcast, one thing stood out.  Leading from the front.  That isn’t something that I was taught per say.  I was taught how to hide.  How to hide my true self, hide the hurt, hide the feelings, hide me.  I was taught the creation of a mask, the creation of walls that stretch as far as the eye can see.  That protected me from those that wished me harm.

We hear a lot about bullying, name calling, and such.  We think that laws are the answer, or some people do.  They think that laws will help those that feel the sting everyday.  From personal experience, it’s not laws that will change the thoughts of children but the knowledge of what they are doing and maybe even embarrassment.  The one thing bullies can’t usually take, is getting it.  They can give it all day, and have fun, but getting it in return.  They don’t find that fun.

My triumphs over bullies.  My kindergarten bully was in first grade,  I hit him over the back with my book bag, he never twisted my arm on the playground again.   One of the bullies in Jr High made me cry in class, we both got a to visit the Asst. Principal’s office, at the same time.  Fun! … so not.  He asked the bully if he had a crush on me, or liked me in anyway, which said boy was aghast, and subsequently stopped picking on me.  I met one of the bullies that used to bully me through Jr. High and part of High School in Wal-mart before I moved to Minnesota.  He was the only bully that ever apologized.  He’s a Pastor now.  I’m proud of him.  I’m proud of myself for being able to forgive him.

But as a child being bullied, you don’t learn about stepping in front and leading there, you learn to hide, and hope for the best.

Back in 2010, one of my good friends and mentors suggested that I make a mask.  I had all sorts of ideas on how to decorate it, but in the end, I left it as is.  Blank, because that is what I needed to show, nothing.

Mask

Created: 2010, Scanned 12/17/2012

It doesn’t fit my face anymore.  I’ve lost weight since it was created.  My mother helped me create it.  I thought it a good idea, because one she was available to help, and two she helped me create the mask that I have.  The face that I used to hide from the bullies.

So now I’m working on new lessons. To teach myself to stand out, and promote myself.  It may go fast, it may go slow, but one way or another, it’ll go.

I’ve been doing alot of introspection lately, can’t you tell?  Trying to figure out why I have this Fear of moving outside of my comfort zone, and trying to find the tools to do so.  Trying to figure out my Why?  I have the intellecutal why, of where I want  to go, but the why that lights the fire, I don’t have that yet.

What am I expecting in the mail?  Two books on introverts, and how to market being and introvert.   In the words of one of my friends “oh look a group of people, I’ll go this way.”  In other words the opposite way I need to go, and away from the people.  Phone calls ha!  I’ve never been good at that, my self talk, always talks me out of it.  Found another book about that, but I’ll wait till I get through the ones I have, before I go looking at others, but I added them to my wish list.

Queen of Hearth and Home
Queen of Hearth and Home

Heart of Faerie
By Brian Froud
All rights are owned by Brain and Wendy Froud
No copyright infringement is intended
– in other words: not mine

Today within my in my Daily Tarot I drew: Queen of Hearth and Home, and in the words from the Heart of Faerie: Welcome, Courtesy, Graciousness: She holds the mask of living flame in her hand. This is the eternal hearth fire. In ancient times people would carry an ember from the hearth they were leaving to their new dwelling place. They carried this link from their past to their future. The Queen of the Hearth and Home carries with her the ability to make a home in the moment, in the now, wherever she is. She passes this ability onto you. It is important to “be at home” in any situation, to create “home” when you invite people in to your space, whether at a table in a restaurant, a desk at work, a seat next to you on a bus, or plane, or in your own home.

While she may not be pointing directly towards what I posted today, I thought I would mention it, mainly because she does carry a mask with her, and I did do some homely duties today too.

Heart of Faerie: The Fixer

39 The Fixer
The Fixer
Heart of Faerie
By Brian Froud
All rights are owned by Brain and Wendy Froud
No copyright infringement is intended
– in other words: not mine

In the words of the Heart of Faerie: Whitewashing, Self Deception, Best Intentions; Bueboe the Fixer has been fixing things since the time of great plagues in Europe. In Venice he white-washed over everything in sight, hoping to keep the plague at bay – walls floors, tables, chairs, windows – everything. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t, but he never stopped doing his job. He is just as busy today, constantly whitewashing things that he thinks would be best would be best left unseen. He believes that mistakes should be covered up, broken things swept under the carpet or hastily thrown away, lies told to smooth over rifts in relationships. He just wants to make everything right again. When Bueboe appears, think about how you handle situations that need attention, and try doing more than just covering them up. Facing things can be scary but sometimes a white coat paint just won’t do.

I like Bueboe, seriously.  How many of you know him? He could come in the cleaning of the house, coming clean, or “glossing” something over.

So today, on this wonderful Monday, in the Winter Wonderland that is Minnesota, I did some more purging and cleaning.  Instead of hiding things, I’ve purged several.  Keeping in mind the Tarot that I drew this last weekend, I worked on bringing things out from my closet into the light of day.  From my sacred space, to purging the several bags, and other items that need to go.  And low and behold there is room in my closet.  Who would have thought.

In prep for Winter Solstice, I’ve been rearranging my room, purging, reevaluating my plans, and how to move forward.  I’ve realized the wall, and I’m working on bringing it down.  But moving or dismantling a social wall that has been in place for more than a decade is most likely going to take some work. But working on it I am.   Instead of hiding behind it, and hoping it will just blow over.  HA!  I made the walls to withstand time.   Now, I have to bring them down.   So I’m working on getting rid of the old, and bringing in the new.  Could be a mid life crisis, I am turning 36 next month.  Could be just time.

See what tomorrow brings, but for now, need to make some time to do my evening meditation.