Not What I was Originally Thinking about Journaling Today:

I’m not quite sure how to write this entry up, my mind is still scattered in the wind.

This morning I went to Aurapalooza. I was very happy to be able to make it this month. As I’ve been unable to make it in other months. I went to see two readers. Which both helped immensely with what’s been peculating around in my mind.

There are some things that need to heal, and some crying that needs to happen. One of my friends has said he has been doing a lot of crying lately, which is releasing a lot of pain and anger. I was ready to do some crying at the time. It was there, just waiting to roll into the surface, but once I let some of it go, went to leave, walked down the road, and arrived home, the feeling had passed. Though I know it’s still there. It’s not quite ready to be released.

A lot of it has to do with the relationship I have with my Mother. I fool myself sometimes to think that I’ve done some healing, and I have done some healing, but my relationship with my Mother has not healed. One thing that I know that hurts is the statement that one of my parents said. My mother saw me as a challenge. A challenge, not a daughter, A challenge. It hurts to think about it, let alone acknowledge it. But there’s a little girl in me that wonders why. Why was I never good enough to have the love that my sister may have gotten or my brother. What made me different? Why was I the challenge? There’s a book called Ancestral Karma, that I’ve seen that may help me release some of that, though I know that I myself can release it, no book needed. I have have the knowledge, I have the faith that I can heal, and eventually heal the rift between us. Because What I experienced, my mother has experienced, and what she has experienced, her mother experienced. I’m not sure where it started. But it started somewhere long before me.

Keening might help. It’s not the first time that some one has told me that I have some healing to do. I large part of me, is like “haven’t I don’t enough healing”. I’ve done a great deal of healing, but I have some more healing to do. *thud*

With Lisa, it was a check in. But I also had a mission of getting some Palo Santo Wood, something to help clear the air before and after a healing, and there was one bag left. I paid off my layaway with Holistic Arts. I then saw a second reader, which was not the original plan, but something said I needed to see her. She helped provide a greater insight to what was REALLY bugging me this morning. Where in my mind I was like money, but the heart of it was the pile of SHIT sitting in my dining room again. The lack of control I have over the situation dealing with it, and the feeling of powerlessness in the situation. Which echos again with my Mother. The universe is bringing lessons around so I can learn them, and until I do, the lessons will continue to be presented. *great*

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